


Everglow

by thatsformetoknow



Series: portfolio [6]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Depression, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Mattsun makes oikawa wear a skirt as a dare and oikawa slays, but angsty, cuddles and kisses, cute boyfriends being in love, growing up fic, it's so cute, iwaizumi comforts oikawa when he's sad, oikawa has depression, oikawa loves aliens, so much fluff oh god, the four of them have a cute picnic, tooru and hajime promise to be best friends forever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 11:57:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9606641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsformetoknow/pseuds/thatsformetoknow
Summary: 'We're gonna be best friends forever, right?' He said and Hajime turned to look at him.'I'm pretty sure it's going to be more trouble than it's worth to try and get rid of you, so yeah.'Tooru giggled softly. 'I think that was a compliment?''I don't think so.''Yeah, it was.' He smiled gently and Hajime huffed.'You promise?''Yeah.''Until we die?''Yeah.''You have to promise!''Fine, I promise, dumbass.' He grumbled and Tooru laughed.'Good. Because you're now officially stuck with me.' He said happily.'I was already stuck with you.''But Iwa-chan! Now it's official!' He whined and Hajime whacked him across the stomach lightly.





	

**Author's Note:**

> If you are likely to be triggered then please see endnotes for the trigger however it is a massive spoiler so look with caution

The sun had long set and the lighting in Tooru's bedroom was minimal, most of it being provided by the glow in the dark stickers on the ceiling and a small lamp by the side of his bed on the lowest setting.

Hajime was on his floor, on his stomach and flicking aimlessly through one of Tooru's stupid comics and Tooru was lying next to him, on his back and looking up at the ceiling, pretending that they were outside and they were looking at the real stars.

He was humming softly and trying not to fall asleep and it seemed that Hajime had finally stopped whacking him and telling him to shut up as he lay quietly and flipped through the pages.

'Iwa-chan?' Tooru said softly, as he let his eyes fall closed and he let out a contented sigh.

Hajime hummed in response, turning over a page in the comic (not that he would admit to actually reading the stupid thing).

'We're gonna be best friends forever, right?' He said and Hajime turned to look at him.

'I'm pretty sure it's going to be more trouble than it's worth to try and get rid of you, so yeah.'

Tooru giggled softly. 'I think that was a compliment?'

'I don't think so.'

'Yeah, it was.' He smiled gently and Hajime huffed.

'You promise?'

'Yeah.'

'Until we die?'

'Yeah.'

'You have to promise!'

'Fine, I promise, dumbass.' He grumbled and Tooru laughed.

'Good. Because you're now officially stuck with me.' He said happily.

'I was already stuck with you.'

'But Iwa-chan! Now it's official!' He whined and Hajime whacked him across the stomach lightly.

***

'You should come camping with me.' Tooru said and Hajime looked up. 

'Camping?' He raised an eyebrow.

'In my garden, I have a tent. We can look for aliens.'

'Dumbass, you know aliens aren't real.'

'Iwa-chan! That isn't true and you know it!' Tooru whined and Hajime sighed.

'Okay, when are we camping?'

'Right now?'

Hajime frowned. 'Now?'

Tooru shrugged. 'Why not?'

Tooru left the room, leaving Hajime in his bedroom and he went to find his mother. After a fair amount of puppy eyes and promising to do all of his chores, she agreed to set the tent up in the garden for them and he went back to his bedroom to find Hajime.

He pulled out an empty alien print backpack from his wardrobe and began to fill it with things that they might need to track down the aliens (alien pyjamas, alien handbook, alien figurine, and alien shaped snacks that he'd gotten two birthdays ago and hadn't wanted to eat and so were probably out of date by now, but the aliens wouldn't mind, right?).

Hajime seemed to be on board, and soon they were both traipsing out in their pyjamas to the tent, Hajime with his stuffed rabbit that he'd threatened Tooru not to make fun of him for a few years ago and Tooru hadn't ever dared for fear for his life.

'Do you think we'll get captured by the aliens?' Tooru asked, pulling a torch out of his bag and turning it on.

Hajime shrugged. 'What d'you want to do until they come?'

Tooru hummed thoughtfully. 'We should play a game!'

'Like what?'

Tooru shrugged. 'I came up with the game part!'

They bickered back and forth for a while until they decided on truth or dare, though neither of them could come up with particularly good dares, so they gave up.

Hajime suggested that they have a nap, so that they would be fully awake when they aliens _did_ come and Tooru happily agreed, snuggling down in his sleeping bag, but half an hour later he still found himself awake.

'Iwa-chan?' Tooru whispered into the darkness, wary of waking his friend.

Hajime grunted in response.

'I can't sleep, I need the stars on my ceiling, and it's too cramped in here.' He said and Hajime sighed.

'You wanted to sleep out here, dumbass.'

'I didn't know I wouldn't be able to sleep.' He whined and then he was hit in the head by something. 'Your rabbit?' Tooru asked, clutching onto it.

'It'll help you sleep.' He grumbled and Tooru smiled gently.

'Don't you need it though?'

'Just shut up and go to sleep.' He hissed and Tooru held it close to his chest.

***

'Iwa-chan, give me a hug!' Tooru said, extending his arms and Hajime rolled his eyes.

'No stupid, people will think we're weird.' Hajime replied, eyeing the other children in the playground suspiciously.

Tooru pouted. 'Don't you love me anymore, Iwa-chan?'

Hajime snorted. 'You'd be lucky if I loved you.'

'Mean, Iwa-chan!'

'Go and hug someone else, there are plenty of girls who would like to hug you.' Hajime said, crossing his arms and Tooru wrinkled his nose.

'Girls are weird, I don't want to hug them.'

Hajime shrugged. 'One day you'll like girls, that's what my mum says.'

Tooru looked doubtfully at the group of girls playing house. 'They seem a bit boring though, don't they?'

'Girls won't go bug catching with me.' Hajime agreed.

'I won't go bug catching with you!' Tooru said, eyes wide at the thought of bugs.

'You must be a girl then.' Hajime concluded and Tooru pouted.

'Iwa-chan! That's so mean! Stop being so mean to me!' He whined and Hajime whacked him.

'Stop whining, don't be such a baby.'

Tooru looked slyly at Hajime. 'Though, if I'm a girl then I suppose you'll have to marry me, then you really will be stuck with me forever.'

Hajime made a face. 'If I have to marry a girl one day, it definitely wouldn't be you.' He said and Tooru laughed.

'Aw, Iwa-chan!' He took Hajime's hand and dragged him over to where there was a ball lying on the floor. 'Hey, can I come over later?'

'You can't just invite yourself over, dumbass.'

'Hey! Your mum told you to stop saying that word!' Tooru stuck his tongue out and Hajime rolled his eyes.

'Whatever, you aren't going to tell her.'

Tooru raised an eyebrow. 'No?'

'No because I'll beat the shit out of you.'

'Iwa-chan, you swore again! Bad Iwa-chan!'

Hajime sighed and picked up the ball, throwing it at Tooru's chest.

'So can I?'

Hajime shrugged. 'I think my uncle's coming to visit, but probably.'

'Yay!' Tooru squealed with a grin.

***

Tooru heard his phone vibrate and with a quick glance he saw that it was Hajime (who else would it be?). Without looking at the message he tossed his phone onto the bed as he let out a shaky breath and stepped barefoot onto his cold bathroom floor.

His eyes were red, he noted as he looked in the mirror and his hair was dishevelled. It took him a moment to realise that it was probably when he'd knotted his fists into his hair and he frowned as his eyes glossed over with tears.

He dragged a hand through his hair as hot tears ran down his cheeks and he drew his eyes away from his own reflection, stumbling to the wall and sliding down it, pulling his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them.

Stupid really, stupid boy, sitting here sobbing quietly to himself while his sister and his mother went on as usual just down stairs. Stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid because there was nothing wrong with him, nothing worth crying over, nothing to be sad about. But here he was, salt rolling down his cheeks, eyes itching and hair tangled in his fists.

'Oi.' A voice came as the bathroom door opened and Tooru violently shook in shock. 'Trashykawa.' Hajime's voice came brashly as he walked in and crouched by Tooru.

'Iwa-chan.' Tooru said, though it came out a little choked and Hajime sighed, gently brushing his thumbs under Tooru's eyes and Tooru smiled softly. 'Sorry.'

'What are you apologising for, dumbass?' Hajime said, pulling him up by the hand and dragging him into Tooru's bedroom, ignoring Tooru's protests as he stumbled after him.

Hajime pushed Tooru onto the bed and laid next to him, putting an arm around him and pulling him close to his chest.

'What's wrong?' He asked gently, his breath warm against Tooru's head.

'I don't know.' Tooru whispered with a sniffle and Hajime held him tighter.

'That's okay.' Hajime replied. 'Just try and sleep, okay? I told my mum I might be staying over.'

Tooru nodded against his chest and let his eyes close, the warmth of Hajime against him lulling him into slumber.

When Tooru awoke, he was warm, really warm. It took him a moment to realise that the warmth was mostly coming from Hajime's body beside him and that he wasn't alone.

He let a small smile creep onto his face, though his skin felt tight from crying (he should probably put some moisturiser on when they got up) and all it took was a glance at the clock for him to shoot up and shake Hajime awake.

'Dumbass, what the hell?' Hajime grumbled, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

'School's already started, Iwa-chan! We're gonna be so late!' He said frantically and Hajime shook his head.

'We can go in later.'

Tooru frowned. 'But we're gonna miss school.'

Hajime scowled and looked away. 'Don't worry about it, okay?' He said and pulled Tooru back down close to him and tucked the covers around him.

Tooru found himself smiling at the small display of affection. 'Is Iwa-chan taking care of me?' He asked and felt Hajime whack him. 'Iwa-chan, you brute!'

'Just shut up and go back to sleep, idiot.' Hajime said gruffly and Tooru nuzzled into him.

They lay there in the warmth of each other for a while, listening to the steady sound of each other's breathing until Tooru spoke again.

'I'm really glad you're my best friend, Iwa-chan.' He said and was whacked again by Hajime.

'Don't say stuff like that.'

'I am though, you always take care of me.'

'Yeah, because you're too stupid to do it yourself.' He replied.

Tooru didn't say anything after that.

'You know I don't really think you're stupid, right?' Hajime said softly and Tooru nodded.

'You don't need to say things like that because you think I'm delicate.' He said, pouting.

'I don't think you're delicate.'

'You do. You're here because I was crying, because I was a mess so you felt the need to clarify what you meant so that I wouldn't take it the wrong way.' Tooru said, sounding bored and Hajime huffed. 'I know you, Iwa-chan. I know you don't say mean things because you mean them.'

Hajime didn't reply to that and Tooru closed his eyes again, letting thoughts in his mind turn into white noise as the rise and fall of Hajime's chest lulled him into a slumber.

The next time Tooru awoke, the clock read half-one and Hajime was gone. Tooru felt his heart rate rise as he looked around his room, as if Hajime would be hiding somewhere.

Had Hajime gone to school without him? Decided that Tooru should spend the day resting, but of course why should Hajime have to miss school just because of Tooru?

It was cold, he noticed. Not cold cold, but not the warmth he'd felt when Hajime had been there and he frowned, his heart feeling heavy as he got up.

He put a jumper on top of his pyjamas and made his way down the stairs and stopped when he got to the kitchen.

'Iwa-chan.' Tooru said, surprise in his voice evident.

'What, did you think I'd left?' Hajime said with a laugh and stopped when he turned to look at Tooru and he sighed softly. 'You think I'd just leave you?'

'You should be at school.' Tooru said, not looking at him. 'You shouldn't be missing it for me.'

Hajime walked over to him and put his arms around him. 'I told you, don't worry about it.'

'Iwa-chan is really nice when I'm sad.' Tooru said as he rested his head in the crook of Hajime's neck.

'Shut up, dumbass.' Hajime said gently, stroking Tooru's hair lightly and then lifting him up.

'So strong, Iwa-chan.' Tooru cooed, as Hajime carried him over to the sofa through the open doorway into the living room.

'So why are you sad then?' Hajime asked as he set Tooru down next to him, and Tooru swung his legs over Hajime's lap.

Tooru shrugged. 'Just feel a bit down. There isn't always a reason.' He said with a smile.

'And what about when there is one?' Hajime asked and Tooru looked away.

'Silly Iwa-chan.' He laughed, and then looked back at him. 'It doesn't matter.'

'Of course it matters, idiot.'

'Aw, Iwa-chan really does care!' Tooru deflected the question again. 'Were you making food? I'm kind of hungry.' Tooru said with a smile, getting up and sauntering into the kitchen.

***

Hajime kept a hold of Tooru's hand despite his protests as Tooru dragged him through the woods and that made Tooru smile. He finally stopped, but didn't let go of his hand, holding the other out to present a lake.

'Here we are!' He said happily and Hajime looked at him blankly.

'A lake?'

Tooru nodded and grinned. 'I thought we should make a wish and toss a coin in or something.'

'That sounds stupid.'

'Iwa-chan, so mean!' Tooru pouted, holding out a coin to Hajime.

'Isn't that meant to be in fountains?'

'We can throw it into a lake if we want to!' Tooru defended and Hajime rolled his eyes.

He closed his eyes, holding tightly to the coin.

_I wish for Iwa-chan to not get sick of me, and stay my best friend forever_

Tooru threw the coin in as far as he could, and laughed to himself at his silly wish, even if it had always been a lingering fear in the back of his mind.

Tooru watched as Hajime did the same.

'What did you wish for?' Tooru asked and Hajime huffed.

'I can't tell you that or it won't come true, dumbass.' He said and Tooru sat down, taking Hajime's hand in his own and pulling him down into the grass.

Tooru swirled his finger around at the edge of the cold water and picked up a dandelion puff.

'You should make a wish on this too, it's lucky!' He said with a smile and offered it to Hajime.

Hajime took it and held it in front of Tooru's mouth. 'You make a wish.' He said and Tooru smiled and closed his eyes.

_I wish that I can stay happy like this with Iwa-chan_

He blew at the weed and the seeds flew out over the lake.

Tooru watched them all until he couldn't see them anymore and then he turned to look at Hajime who had numerous daisies in his lap.

'What are you doing?' Tooru said, tilting his head and he saw Hajime's cheeks turn pink.

'Shut up, dumbass.' He said, continuing to string daisies together into a chain, until he joined the two ends and placed it on Tooru's head.

'You really must love me, Iwa-chan!' Tooru said happily and Hajime rolled his eyes.

'Sure.' He shrugged, cheeks still heated and Tooru looked back over the lake.

'We should come here sometimes to wish.' Tooru said and Hajime nodded.

'If you want to.'

'Do you want to?' Tooru asked, suddenly worried that Hajime only agreed for him, though to an extent he was probably right.

Hajime nodded after a moment and Tooru threw his arms around his neck.

'Get off me, idiot.' Hajime said, though the smile on his face gave him away.

***

Tooru rolled over on the bed onto his stomach to look down at Hajime who sat on the floor.

'I'm glad I won't have to see Tobio-chan anymore.' He said with a scowl though it turned into a smile and Hajime raised an eyebrow.

'Yeah maybe, but assuming he keeps on playing volleyball, which he will, you'll probably run into him at some point in a couple of years.'

Tooru sighed. 'I suppose so.' He said quietly.

'I never understood what you have against him.' Hajime said, looking up at Tooru and Tooru didn't meet his gaze.

He shrugged. 'He doesn't try.'

'You know that's not true.'

'I mean, he doesn't _have_ to try. He's crazy good.'

Hajime sighed. 'You're good too.'

Tooru shrugged again. 'Yeah, maybe.'

'You got the best setter award and you're saying maybe?' Hajime said, kneeling up to whack Tooru over the head.

'Sorry.' He said and Hajime softened.

'You don't need to feel inferior to him.' He said and Tooru didn't reply. 'You aren't going to go to the same high school, you won't be on the same team as him ever again. You should just see him as a regular rival instead of as a threat.'

'Yeah, you're right.' Tooru said quietly and sat up, sliding off the bed onto the floor next to Hajime.

Hajime let Tooru hug him for a few minutes, holding him close and stroking his hair before shoving him off and standing up, extending a hand to his friend.

'You wanna go get a milkshake?' Hajime asked and Tooru's gaze flitted to the window.

'It's cold out, though.'

Hajime shrugged. 'That's never bothered you before.'

Tooru smiled. 'Okay. Are you buying?' He asked and Hajime rolled his eyes.

'Just this once.'

'Aw, Iwa-chan is going soft on me!' Tooru cooed and Hajime scowled.

'Am not! You say another word and you can buy your own milkshake!'

Tooru giggled and bumped into his side as they walked out of his house and down the street. Hajime didn't complain as Tooru slipped his hand into Hajime's as they crossed the road and Hajime didn't yank his hand away until they got to the milkshake place.

'Vanilla?' Hajime asked as they waited in line and Tooru nodded. 'You boring loser.' He smirked as Tooru spluttered in self-defence.

'Vanilla is the nicest flavour! We don't all have chocolate cravings like you do, Iwa-chan.' Tooru stuck his tongue out and Hajime whacked his arm.

Hajime ordered their milkshakes and they drank in a comfortable silence as they walked, Hajime leading them towards the park and they sat down on the swings, swinging themselves gently.

'Thank you.' Tooru said softly as he finished his milkshake and Hajime shrugged and looked away.

'Don't worry about it.' He replied, gently kicking at Tooru's feet as he swayed back and forth on the swing.

***

Tooru screeched as Hanamaki flicked water at him, from where he lay on their picnic blanket, legs over Hajime's lap and he laughed, picking up the nearest water bottle and lobbing it in his direction.

'Can't the princess take a little bit of water?' Matsukawa teased and Tooru stuck his tongue out.

'Iwa-chan, protect me!' Tooru cried as Hanamaki flicked yet more water over him.

Hajime snorted. 'Dumbass.'

'I didn't even say anything stupid!' Tooru whined, nudging Hajime in the side with his foot and Hajime shoved his legs off of his lap.

'Everything you say is stupid, stupid.' Hajime replied.

'Mean, Iwa-chan!' Tooru whined and then leapt in Hanamaki's direction and knocked the water bottle flying from his hands, and they both fell over onto the ground behind with a thud.

'Rude.' Hanamaki said with a cough and shoved Tooru off of him, who sat up with a laugh.

'You were ruder first.' Tooru replied, sticking out his tongue and he picked up the water bottle closest to him and squirted it in Hanamaki's face.

Hanamaki's screech was louder than Tooru's, though it quickly melded into a snort and laugh as Matsukawa tackled Tooru to the floor, sending water over the blanket.

'I'll defend your honour, Makki!' Matsukawa shouted as Tooru tried to pry the boy off of him.

'Iwa-chan, help me!' Tooru yelled looking desperately at a grinning Hajime who sat shaking his head softly in exasperation at his friends.

'How old are you three?' He asked flatly, crossing his arms as Matsukawa pulled Tooru's hair and he cried out, instinctively going to punch him.

'Okay, that's enough you big brave boys.' Hajime said, pulling Tooru out from under Matsukawa and brushing him off. 'Don't get into fights, Shittykawa.' He said and Tooru pouted.

'He started it.' He whined, pointing at Matsukawa who was now cradled in Hanamaki's arms, as he stroked his hair in mock mothering.

'You should comfort me like that, Iwa-chan!' Tooru said and ignored the roll of Hajime's eyes, settling himself between Hajime's legs and leaning back onto his chest.

'Oi, Shittykawa, I didn't say-'

'Shh, Iwa-chan.' Tooru said with a yawn and he ignored Hajime's protests, closing his eyes with a triumphant smile on his face after making eye contact with Hanamaki and getting a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

'Just let him do what he wants.' He heard Matsukawa say with a slight laugh and he felt Hajime shrug, and he was surprised that he wasn't turfed off, but Hajime let him rest against his chest and he quickly fell asleep under the heat of the sun and Hajime's body heat.

***

Everything was bathed in moonlight; the grass, the trees, Hajime. Tooru let a silvery laugh leave his lips as he held onto Hajime's hands and spun them around. He didn't miss Hajime's eye roll but he knew that it was only for show, because he was laughing too.

It was so unbelievably cliché, but that was them, really; a giant big cliché of child hood friends turned lovers (fingers crossed) because Hajime was the most wonderful person in the universe and he loved Tooru.

He loved Tooru.

Just the thought alone made Tooru giddy and he pulled him close, looping his arms around Hajime's neck and smiled gently.

'Dance with me.' Tooru said softly as he swayed them.

'There isn't any music.' Hajime replied, taking a hand to brush Tooru's hair gently away from his face.

Tooru hummed a melody as they swayed and Hajime rested their foreheads together as their eyes fell closed.

Only aware of the sound of Tooru's humming and the gentle chirping of crickets.

'This is so cheesy.' Hajime whispered and Tooru laughed lightly.

'Cheesy? I'll show you cheesy.' Tooru said with a smile and pressed their lips together.

There was no shock or hesitation, because they both knew. Everything had been leading up to this because they were it, they were everything to each other and no one could ever surpass that.

No one else would ever be enough.

And maybe this was their first kiss, but it felt as if they'd been doing this forever, like they had been perfectly sculpted to fit against one another, and they did.

Hands on waists and in hair and light laughs of delight on lips that moved softly and beautifully against one another's.

And then there was the slightest bit of air between them as their lips parted and their hands slipped delicately into each other's.

'Promise you'll always love me?' Tooru breathed onto Hajime's lips.

'I haven't even told you I love you yet, dumbass.' Hajime smiled back.

Tooru softly brushed their lips again. 'But you do.'

'I do.'

'Promise then?'

'Of course.'

'Until we die?'

'Until we die.' Hajime agreed, threading his fingers lightly through Tooru's hair and brushed his lips fleetingly over Tooru's forehead.

***

Tooru felt knots in his stomach as he heard a knock at the front door and he went eagerly to open it.

'Iwa-chan looks so handsome!' He cooed with a kiss to Hajime's cheek and Hajime scowled.

'Are you ready to go, Shittykawa?' He asked gruffly and Tooru giggled.

'Aw, Iwa-chan, you have to be nice to me or you might not be getting a second date.'

Hajime rolled his eyes. 'Like you could resist.'

Tooru gasped. 'Iwa-chan, finally showing some of that self-confidence!' He brushed an imaginary tear from his eye. 'I'm so proud.'

'I meant that I know how much of a loser you are, so tonight could go horribly and you'd still go out with me again.'

Tooru pouted.

'Am I wrong?' Hajime smirked. 'Sorry, what was that?'

'No.' Tooru said, sticking his tongue out.

'Get your coat, dumbass.'

'Iwa-chan, you really do care!'

'You think I'd put myself through dating you if I didn't care?' Hajime snorted and slung an arm around Tooru's waist and leading him away from the house.

'Lucky for me, Iwa-chan is crazy about me.'

Hajime laughed. 'Whatever you say.'

They walked together for a little while longer and then Tooru stopped.

'We aren't there yet, dumbass, why did you stop?'

'Isn't it polite to kiss your date?' Tooru asked, taking a hold of the collar of Hajime's shirt and pulling him close until their foreheads rested against one another's.

'Yeah, _after_ the date.' Hajime replied and Tooru shrugged, pressing their lips together anyway.

'Who cares?' Tooru said, pulling away to take a breath and Hajime was smiling and he looked so beautiful that Tooru just had to kiss him again.

'Oi, we're in the middle of the street, at least wait until later.' Hajime said, lightly whacking Tooru's arm, and putting his arm back around Tooru's waist, leading him further down the street to the restaurant.

They arrived quickly after that and were shown to their table, secluded in the corner of the room with candles flickering around them.

'You know, Iwa-chan.' Tooru said with a soft smile after their drinks had arrived. 'I was worried about letting you plan the date but you did really well, it's beautiful here.'

'That was a bit of a backhanded compliment.' Hajime said, though he was smiling and Tooru nudged his leg with his foot under the table.

Hajime raised an eyebrow, nudging him back and Tooru giggled as they continued to nudge each other more and more forcefully until they were full on kicking each other under the table and Tooru stopped to rub his leg and pout.

'It's rude to kick your date, Iwa-chan.' He whined.

'Nice to know you're finally accepting how rude you are.' He quipped and Tooru stuck his tongue out.

'Are you both ready to order or did you want a children's menu?' A waitress said, coming over and Hajime told her calmly what they wanted to eat while Tooru was trying his best not to laugh.

As soon as she was gone he collapsed, giggling into his hand and Hajime tried to glare at him, but he was laughing himself.

'Did you want a children's menu, Iwa-chan?' Tooru giggled and Hajime glared at him with a smile.

'I think she was referring to you.'

'Nu-uh!'

Hajime raised an eyebrow, as if that proved his point further.

They ate their meal mostly in peace, thankfully for the other people in the restaurant and Tooru offered to pay, but the death glare that Hajime sent him made him retract his offer immediately.

Tooru linked their hands on the way back and swung them between them, a happy smile on both of their faces as Hajime walked them back to Tooru's house.

'Can I come in?' He asked and Tooru mock gasped.

'Iwa-chan! On the first date?' He said, a hand brought to his lips, but he soon gave up and let him in, giggling.

'I mean, if you don't want to make out, and you'd rather I went home…' Hajime smirked as Tooru shook his head adamantly.

'No, no, you can stay.' He said, leading Hajime into his bedroom.

Hajime was soft, softer than usual and he kept giving Tooru gentle smiles and it made him feel all warm. Hajime's lap was comfortable to sit in, and his fingertips were cold, making Tooru shiver as they traced over his skin and his lips were smooth and Tooru wondered if he'd been using lip balm.

Hajime was comfortable to lay upon, duvet pulled around them and hand lacing through Tooru's hair as Tooru held onto Hajime's other hand and pressed gentle kisses to his fingers.

***

Tooru had locked the door this time, he didn't want Hajime to come in. Didn't want Hajime to know, he never wanted Hajime to know, though he always did.

His face was streaked with tears and by god was he an ugly crier, he noted as he looked in the mirror.

He was so sick of feeling like this, so so sick of having nothing to be sad about but ending up night after night with a dampened pillow or just sitting, legs pulled up to his chest and feeling hollow.

He jumped harshly as he heard a knock at the door and he grimaced, putting his head into his hands.

'Open the door, Oikawa.' Hajime said, his voice soft and quiet.

Tooru leant up from where he was curled by the door and clicked the lock open and Hajime pushed it slowly open.

He knelt in front of Tooru and closed the door behind him, locking it.

'Please talk to me.' He said, pulling Tooru into his arms and kissing his head. 'Please.'

Tooru hiccupped quietly. 'I don't know.' He said, twisting against Hajime so that he could rest his head on his shoulder. 'I don't know.' He repeated with a sob and Hajime rubbed his back, rocking them gently back and forth.

'Why are you always so sad, Tooru?' He asked and he sounded so sad himself that Tooru sat up, looking at him and letting Hajime dry his eyes.

'I don't know.' Tooru whispered and sniffed. 'I don't know why I'm sad. I don't have anything to be sad about. I just am, _all the time._ ' Hajime caught the tear that fell with his thumb and pressed a kiss under his eye.

'You said a while ago that sometimes there are reasons.' Hajime said, though that had been years ago and Tooru looked down.

He shrugged. 'Sometimes, I'm not good enough. Sometimes, I don't want my friends to worry about me so much, sometimes I'm a failure, sometimes I'm not strong enough and sometimes I'm just really, really sad.' Tooru said and Hajime held him close.

'You're good enough for me, you're everything.' Hajime whispered against Tooru's hair and Tooru looked up at him, eyes wide and Hajime gently pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. 'Failing at something just means you can learn and do better next time. You're one of the strongest people I know, and you work so hard.'

Hajime stroked patterns onto Tooru's back as he felt tears dampening the cloth of his skirt.

'What makes you happy?' Hajime asked softly.

'You make me happy.' Tooru replied and Hajime laughed gently.

'Other than me?'

'Milk bread and daisies.' He said, voice thick with tears though he'd stopped crying now. 'Makki and Mattsun and their jokes. Looking at the stars with Iwa-chan. When Iwa-chan lets me wear his clothes. Aliens make me happy, and elephants. Sunglasses and crop tops, milkshakes on really cold days and hats and scarves.'

He stopped talking and Hajime helped him up, unlocking the bedroom door and leading him back into his bedroom, pulling back the duvet on the bed and getting in beside him.

'What about you, Iwa-chan?' He asked and Hajime hummed thoughtfully.

'Shittykawa makes me happy.' He said after a moment and Tooru whacked him lightly.

'Mean, Iwa-chan!'

Hajime laughed. 'Tooru makes me happy.' He amended. 'Godzilla definitely. Castles and dragons, lizards and funny coloured birds. Laying with Trashykawa by the lake and tossing wishes and coins into it. Bug catching and scaring Tooru with the spiders. Freshly cut grass and just ripe apples. When Tooru wears my clothes and cuddling with you.' He finished and looked down to see Tooru smiling.

'You being happy makes me happy, Iwa-chan.' Tooru said, eyes closed and smiling softly.

'You too, dumbass, I hate it when you're sad.' Tooru tensed a little but Hajime kissed his head. 'But I know you can't help it, so it's okay, I'll just try to make you happy again.'

'Hajime loving me makes me the happiest.' Tooru said sleepily and felt Hajime press another kiss to his head.

'Loving you makes me the happiest too.' Hajime said with a smile, letting his own eyes close.

***

'Hey, there's the Captain!' Matsukawa's voice shouted with a grin and Tooru turned to wave.

He and Hanamaki walked over to Tooru and Hajime and clapped Tooru on the back.

'How does it feel to be captain then, Captain?' Hanamaki asked and Tooru rolled his eyes.

'Stop making fun of me.' He whined and the other two laughed; they'd been doing this for two weeks now since they'd gone back as third years.

'Ah, did we interrupt a romantic stroll?' Matsukawa said and he and Hanamaki laughed, while Hajime scowled and Tooru tried not to laugh.

'We were actually on our way to practice. Which you two should be on your way to too.' Tooru said, crossing his arms.

'The Captain strikes again!' Matsukawa laughed and Tooru stuck his tongue out.

'Get a move on!' Tooru said, taking Hajime's hand and dragging him along, leaving the other two behind.

'We don't have to be there for another ten minutes, Shittykawa, slow down.' Tooru pulled him into the changing rooms and rounded on him.

'All the more time for us.' He said with a sly smile and Hajime rolled his eyes, though there was a small smile playing at his lips as Tooru looped his arms around his neck and pulled him close, Hajime's hands went to his waist as he pressed their lips together.

'You're ridiculous.' Hajime said, pulling away and pecking at Tooru's lips.

'You love me though.' Tooru replied with a smile, brushing their noses and letting his lips hover over Hajime's.

'Unlucky for me.'

'Rude, Iwa-chan.' Tooru whispered and whacked him lightly.

Hajime kissed him again and Tooru felt a hand tangling into his hair and he pulled away.

'Don't mess up my hair, Iwa-chan.' He scolded lightly and Hajime rolled his eyes.

'Don't mess up my hair, Iwa-chan!' Hajime mimicked and Tooru pouted and Hajime kissed him.

Tooru ended up sandwiched between the wall and Hajime, pressed up against each other and lips moving together before they heard a squeak behind them and parted suddenly.

It was two of the first years – Kindaichi and Kunimi. Kindaichi was looking at them wide eyed while Kunimi looked at the floor as if he found it very interesting.

Hajime coughed and Tooru giggled.

'Is it that time already? Come on in then.' Tooru said, as if he hadn't just been making out with the vice-captain and the first years shuffled past them.

***

Another. Another. Another. Another. Another. He had to get better, had to serve until each one was flawless. For every serve that went out he'd do ten more; practicing was the only way he would get any better.

Tooru didn't know what the time was, but he could see through the windows that it was dark out, and he could tell how long he'd been practicing with the way his lungs heaved in an attempt to get air and the way his muscles ached, and the way his knee throbbed.

He leant down to rub the inflamed muscle, hissing in pain as he re-secured his knee brace before going to the other side of the court to collect up all of the balls he had used, ready to start again.

The thud of the ball on the other side of the court was the only thing that Tooru could focus on, the thud that told him the ball was in.

In. In. In. In. In. In. Out.

He let out a cry of frustration as he served another ball across the court. In.

They had to all be perfect, they had to all be in. If it went out, they didn't get the point, and points were the only way they could win. Tooru as a service ace, serve after serve that struck fear in the other teams.

He let out a cry of pain as he landed on the floor, the thud of the ball on the other side and Tooru hadn't seen if it had been in or out, having scrunched his eyes shut in pain at the landing.

Shifting his weight to his other leg, he picked up another ball.

Tooru groaned as he landed this time, he knelt on the floor and tried to regulate his breathing, trying to massage his knee and he didn't notice the gym doors being flung open.

'Idiot, what are you doing?' He was aware of Hajime's voice next to him and he helped Tooru to his feet.

'Practicing my serves.' Tooru replied and Hajime frowned.

'You've been here for four hours, dumbass, if you keep going you'll seriously hurt yourself!' He said loudly, frustrated. 'That is if you haven't already.' He added under his breath and helped Tooru to the bench, handing him his bottle of water.

'Sit there and don't move.' Hajime demanded as he went onto the court to collect up the balls and he put the net down.

Tooru watched him, not daring to get up and help him.

'How do you feel?' Hajime asked, taking Tooru's knee brace off and watching as Tooru winced.

'Hurts.' Tooru admitted and Hajime nodded.

He put the knee brace back on and helped Tooru to his feet.

'Do you need me to carry you?' He asked and Tooru shook his head.

'It isn't far, I can walk.'

'Are you sure?'

Tooru nodded. 'I'm okay.'

Hajime made sure that Tooru held onto him as they walked back, and Hajime had an arm around Tooru's waist if he needed to lean on him.

They got back to Tooru's house and Hajime unlocked the door with his own keys and sat Tooru down on the sofa in the living room.

'Wait here.' Hajime said, going into the kitchen.

He came back momentarily with a large pack of frozen peas wrapped in a tea towel and he sat on the sofa next to Tooru, lifting his leg over his lap and holding the peas to his knee.

Tooru hissed at the cold and Hajime took his hand with his free one, stroking his thumb softly over Tooru's skin.

'You know you can't go for hours like that.' Hajime said and Tooru nodded. 'You'll hurt yourself. Bad. And you won't be able to play anymore.'

'I know.' Tooru said with a sigh. 'I wasn't thinking properly.'

'If your knee hurts, you have to stop, got it?'

Tooru nodded. 'Yeah, got it.'

Tooru leaned over and rested his head on Hajime's shoulder, and Hajime put his arm around Tooru's shoulders.

'Thank you for taking care of me, Iwa-chan.' Tooru said quietly and Hajime laughed gently.

'Someone's got to do it, right?'

Tooru nodded against his shoulder.

'I'm serious though, Tooru.' Hajime said and Tooru looked up at the use of his first name. 'I don't want you to get hurt.'

'I know. I don't want to get hurt either, I just… I want to get better, I need my serves to be the best that they can be.'

'You can do that, you just have to practice in moderation.'

'I know.'

Tooru leant back down, resting against Hajime and Hajime brought Tooru's hand to his lips and kissed his fingers softly.

***

The rain was falling hard by the time Tooru got to Hajime's house, soaked through, he half wished he'd brought a coat.

He gripped his phone tightly as he held it to his ear and waited for Hajime to pick up.

'What?' Hajime answered gruffly and Tooru hoped he hadn't woken him.

'Can you let me in?' Tooru asked, his voice quiet and shaking a little from the cold.

'What? Yeah, shit.' He said and he heard scrabbling on the other end before he hung up.

It didn't take him long to come downstairs and he immediately pulled Tooru into the house the moment he opened the door.

'You idiot, why didn't you at least bring a coat?' Hajime said, ushering Tooru upstairs. 'You should have texted me, I would have come over instead.'

'I'm sorry.' Tooru said quietly and Hajime stopped, he sighed and brushed Tooru's dripping hair out of his face and pressed a gentle kiss to Tooru's forehead.

'I'll run you a hot bath, okay?' He said, taking Tooru's hand and leading him into the bathroom. 'Take those off.' He said, gesturing to Tooru's sodden clothes as he put the plug in the bath and turned the taps on.

Tooru didn't make a comment as he took his clothes off and just stood silently, completely naked and shivering a little as he watched Hajime pour some bubble bath into the tub.

Hajime stood up and wrapped his arms around Tooru's shaking form, stroking up and down his sides and pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

Tooru got into the bath when it was still only half full, and Hajime went back into his bedroom, leaving the door open a little so that the two could still see each other, though Tooru let his eyes fall closed as the warm water filled up around him, bubbles expanding fluffily.

He heard Hajime speaking quietly on the phone and it took Tooru only a moment of listening to realise he was talking to his mother, he supposed he should have told her where he was going before taking off, but he hadn't been thinking clearly and now here he was.

He opened his eyes as he heard Hajime say goodbye and he watched him put his phone down and walk out of the bedroom, presumably to inform his own mother of Tooru's presence.

Tooru turned off the taps when the water was high enough and relaxed in the warmth until Hajime came back into the bathroom and knelt by the bath tub.

'How're you doing?' He asked gently with a smile and Tooru nodded.

'Okay, yeah.' He said and offered a small smile. 'I'm sorry for coming all the way out here.'

Hajime shook his head. 'I'm glad you're here, Tooru.'

'I don't want to be an inconvenience-'

'Hey.' Hajime said, laying a hand on Tooru's cheek and Tooru leaned into the touch. 'I'd do anything for you, you know that, right?'

Tooru nodded. 'Me too.' He whispered back and Hajime smiled.

'You want to watch a movie in bed on my laptop?'

Tooru nodded and Hajime stood to get a towel.

'Can we watch the one with-' He started but Hajime cut him off.

'Yeah.' He said and Tooru smiled, biting his lip.

***

'Oikawa, that is the ugliest thing I have ever seen, you couldn't possibly like that.' Hanamaki said, gesturing with distaste to the sweater that Tooru had just picked up.

'Excuse you, Makki, I can look good in absolutely anything.' Tooru replied haughtily and Matsukawa laughed.

'I doubt that.' Matsukawa laughed and Tooru pouted. 'Come on then, pretty boy.' He said, taking Tooru's arm and dragging him to the girls section, picking out a little crop top and mini skirt. 'Go try these on.' He said, trying not to laugh and Tooru narrowed his eyes.

'Challenge accepted, Mattsun. Pick something out for Makki too, while you're at it.'

Tooru ignored the looks he got from the sales assistants as he walked towards the men's changing rooms, he simply winked at them and then locked himself in a stall.

In all honesty, he wasn't entirely sure if he would fit into the clothes that Matsukawa had picked out – neither of them knew anything about girls sizing, only that most were obsessed with fitting into a smaller one so he shrugged off his shirt and folded it next to his trousers before unzipping the helpful little side zip on the blue skirt and pulling it up his legs.

It was a little bit of a struggle (obviously due to all that muscle from playing volleyball, he reasoned with himself) but he got it on and the zip done all but a millimetre to the top and he then looked at the crop top.

It was unlike any of the crop tops he actually had, he supposed because it was a lot smaller and had room for breasts, but he put it over his head anyway, tugging it gently into shape and smirking at himself in the mirror.

He unlocked the door to find Matsukawa and Hajime talking softly to each other, and both of their attentions turned to Tooru as he stepped out.

Matsukawa's mouth fell open. 'I stand corrected.' He said and Tooru laughed, knocking on the door next to him.

'Makki, come on out.' He cooed and he heard a grumble from the inside and the door unlocked. Hanamaki came out frowning, dressed in a cute little pale yellow summer dress.

'That's so cute, why didn't you choose something like that for me?' Tooru whined, and Hajime rolled his eyes.

'Just go and take it off, you've both made your point.' He said and Tooru smirked, walking over to Hajime and resting his forehead to the side of Hajime's head.

'Don't you think I look good, Iwa-chan?' Tooru whispered with a peck to Hajime's cheek and he could feel his face heating under his lips.

'Shut up, dumbass.' Hajime grumbled and Tooru laughed.

'Aw, Iwa-chan.' Tooru cooed, and he heard Matsukawa scoff.

'Get a room, you two.' He laughed and Tooru pouted, stepping back from Hajime and going back into the stall to get changed.

'We should go and get smoothies!' Tooru said loudly, so that the others would hear him, and then re-emerged from the changing room stall.

'You're buying.' Hajime said, slinging an arm around Tooru's waist and Tooru whined.

'Iwa-chan!'

'You're my boyfriend, aren't you?' Hajime asked teasingly. 'Don't you want to treat me?'

Tooru grumbled and pouted. 'Fine.' He whined and Hajime kissed his cheek.

'What a good boyfriend you are.' He said condescendingly and Tooru rolled his eyes.

***

Tooru picked up his phone and dialled Hajime's number, wiping under his eyes and clearing his throat as Hajime picked up.

'Hey.' He heard Hajime's voice down the line and he smiled gently.

'Are you busy?' Tooru asked, putting on as cheerful a voice as he could muster.

'Ah, I was about to go out for lunch with my mum actually, is everything okay?' Hajime said, sounding guilty.

'Everything's fine, I just wanted to know if you wanted to hang out, but it's okay, rain check?'

'Yeah, of course.'

'I'll text you later then, say hi to your mum for me.' He said and ended the call, letting out a breath and putting his phone down.

He blinked and ran a hand through his hair, throwing his phone across the room and curling on his bed, drawing the sheets up to his neck, fisted in his hands and he screwed up his face in an attempt to stop the tears.

He dragged his nails over his skin, before clenching his fists and throwing a punch towards his pillow; this wasn't fair, it wasn't fair, people didn't get like this, and people didn't feel like this and it wasn't fair.

He could feel every breath as it came fast and shallow and he could feel his heart beating, fluttering and pounding and his palms were sweating and his eyes were streaming and he had to get away, had to get away but he was already away, already in his bedroom.

He was too hot, far too hot under the duvet so he kicked it off of his bed, and lay there, panting and he opened his eyes, not having realised how tightly screwed shut they had been.

He curled up against the wall, and held his pillow to his chest, and his gaze jumped towards his bedroom door as it opened and Hajime came in.

'Iwa-chan.' Tooru said, his voice choked from crying and Hajime rushed over to the bed, pulling Tooru into his lap.

'What's wrong?' Hajime said, stroking a hand through Tooru's hair and Tooru shook his head.

'What about your mum? You were having lunch.' He said, and Hajime used the corner of his shirt to dry Tooru's eyes.

'We can go tomorrow instead, it's okay, I know you needed me, I didn't want you to be alone.'

'I'll be fine, you should go back to your mum.' Tooru said, not realising how he was clutching at Hajime.

'Tooru.' Hajime said gently, and Tooru looked up at the use of his first name. 'I decided to come here. I'm not going to leave you like this.'

Tooru looked up at him and Hajime pressed his thumbs under Tooru's eyes as they welled up again and he started to cry again.

'It isn't fair.' Tooru choked out and Hajime stroked over his hair soothingly, waiting for him to continue. 'I just want to be happy. I just want to stay happy and then you won't have to worry anymore.'

'I know, Tooru.' Hajime said sadly, pressing a kiss to Tooru's head. 'It'll all be okay.'

Tooru shook his head. 'We're graduating next week, Iwa-chan. I've been like this since we were seven. I'm never going to get better.'

'Don't say that.' Hajime said firmly and Tooru sighed.

'There isn't anything wrong. I'm not upset, I'm just somehow down and it's like I'm sinking and I'm drowning and I'm being dragged down and I don't know why.' He said with a desperate sigh and Hajime kissed him gently.

Hajime's arms around him made him feel safe, but the guilt of dragging Hajime away from his life was overwhelming; he didn't need to drop everything when Tooru felt a little bit sad, he had a life away from Tooru too.

***

Tooru and Hajime hadn't actually spoken for almost a week now, besides for a few texts here and there. He'd been thinking about it a lot, now that they'd graduated and were due to go to university the following month, now that summer was over.

He'd thought about it when he'd been sad for no reason at all, thought about it in the shower, when he couldn't tell the difference between running water and tears, and he'd thought about it at night with only his damp pillow to show that he'd even been awake at all.

He'd come to the conclusion that he was depressed a little while ago now, though he'd been in denial for the longest time. He'd been talking to Mattsun and Makki and they'd told him of all the things they were going to do once they were at university, and Hajime should be doing that too.

Hajime didn't need to drop everything to come over when Tooru felt 'sad'. Hajime didn't need this, didn't need him. Hajime would be better off having a fresh start, getting to live his life.

High school relationships never lasted anyway, right?

It was only a matter of time before Hajime did what was best for him instead of what he thought was best for Tooru.

So he needed to do that for him instead.

He'd texted Hajime and told him to come over, the text from above that having been two days ago.

Tooru jumped violently when he heard the door knock, biting on his lip harshly in shock and cursing under his breath at the sting.

He ran a hand through his hair and wiped under his eyes instinctively though he hadn't been crying and he went to open the door.

He shied away when Hajime went to kiss his cheek and looked away.

'I think…' He stopped to cough. 'Come in.'

'Is everything okay?' Hajime asked, obviously worried and Tooru shook his head.

'Everything's fine I just think we should talk.' Tooru said, not able to bring himself to meet Hajime's eyes.

'Okay, what about?' Hajime asked with a frown.

'I don't think we should be together anymore.' Tooru said, his voice small and Hajime was silent.

He heard Hajime give a shaky breath and Tooru only realised that his lip was wobbling a little as he bit down on it.

'Why?' Was the only word that left Hajime's mouth and it took all of Tooru's self-restraint not to either run back into his bedroom to cry or hold onto Hajime and never let him go.

'Because,' Tooru started, looking up at Hajime and putting on his usual façade. 'We aren't going to see each other anymore once we go to uni. We aren't going to have the time or the money and things don't last forever. We'll meet other people and long distance relationships don't work.'

'You don't know that.' Hajime said, not looking at Tooru.

'I'm saving us more pain later.' Tooru said, pursing his lips. 'We've barely spoken in a week anyway.'

Hajime didn't say anything. 'You don't want this really, Tooru.' He said and Tooru clenched his jaw.

'This is what I want. You don't know me as well as you think you do, Iwaizumi.'

Hajime stood up. 'Fine.' He said gently. 'I do know you though, Tooru, and whatever stupid reason you think this is right-'

'I cheated on you.' Tooru blurted out and mentally slapped himself, lying to get the last word? Lying just to make him seem stronger than he really was and that Hajime was the stupid one?

Hajime blinked. 'When?' He said, swallowing, his voice tense and quiet.

Tooru shrugged. 'The other day when I went out with Kou-chan.'

'Since when are you friends with Sugawara?' Hajime asked, tilting his head with a frown.

Tooru shrugged again.

'Who was it then?' Hajime asked and Tooru looked down.

He shrugged. 'Dunno.' He said quietly. 'Just met them.'

'Were you drunk?' He frowned again and Tooru had the urge to smooth out his forehead with his thumb as he usually did.

Tooru nodded. 'I didn't even think about you until afterwards.' He said, knowing that would hurt.

'Okay.' Hajime said softly, his voice resigned and he walked over to Tooru. He kissed his forehead and let his lips linger and turned to leave.

Tooru didn't say anything as he watched Hajime walk away and the second he heard the door close he collapsed into tears with a broken 'Iwa-chan.'

He wanted nothing more than to run out of the door and after Hajime, tell him he didn't cheat, tell him he loved him, loved him more than anything.

He wasn't sure how long he stayed in his curled up position on the floor until he realised that he'd stopped crying and was just quietly hiccupping and his stomach ached.

***

Tooru looked up at Hanamaki, whose gaze was concerned, so Tooru plastered a fake smile onto his face.

'You could at least answer his calls. You could reply to his texts, even just one.'

Tooru shook his head. 'I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him; can't you just leave it?'

'We're all worried about you, Tooru! Why did you break up with him? I know you, and I know you still love him. So what happened?'

Tooru grit his teeth. 'I just don't feel the same way about him anymore, okay? I need some time to myself to figure some things out and I don't want him around anymore.'

'He's done everything for you.' Hanamaki said with a sad frown. 'He's always been there for you whenever you needed him, how can you toss him aside like this? He's a mess, he _loves_ you.'

Tooru looked away. 'Whatever. I'm not asking you to like my decision, but this is my decision and I don't need you giving me shit. People change and things happen, people break up - things fucking happen.'

Hanamaki nodded. 'Yeah, okay. He won't wait forever though.'

'I didn't ask him to wait, I don't want him to wait, I never want to see him again, okay?'

'Okay.' Hanamaki said resignedly. 'Okay.' He repeated softly, standing up and going to the front door. 'Don't go without saying goodbye to me and Mattsun, yeah?'

Tooru nodded. 'Yeah, same to you two.'

Hanamaki smiled and closed the door and Tooru let out a breath; this was hard enough without his friends giving him crap.

He'd done the right thing, he knew that. Hajime could heal and move on and find someone normal that he'd be happy with, because Tooru wasn't happy. He was worse than ever and Hajime didn't need that.

Ignoring Hajime's calls had been hell, he'd wanted nothing more than to tell him he was sorry and that he hadn't meant it, but he wasn't and he had.

This was best. Tooru needed to take some time to himself to sort things out and learn to be happy again before he could even think about involving someone else. That was the right thing to do, that was the mature thing to do, and that was caring about Hajime.

He felt quite agitated now, going back into his bedroom and looking around at all of the boxes. It was all his fault, if he could have just been better, if he could have just been happy.

He smiled softly, though his teeth were clenched. That was okay, it was done now. All he could do was push forward.

***

The sheets scratched at Tooru's skin though he knew them to be soft and comfortable and the sun was obnoxiously bright through his still closed curtains, finding little gaps that the blinding light seeped through.

He glanced at his clock and sighed heavily; he had a class in five minutes. But here he was, undressed and a mess, laying helplessly in bed, nose sniffly from shed tears earlier and he could hardly muster up the effort to turn over, or lift a hand to his bedside table to take a sip of water, let alone get up and go to class.

Seven months he'd been here now. It had seemed logical at the time. They were off to university, the time to live your life and have fun before you get tossed into the real world, Hajime staying in Miyagi to go to school and Tooru all the way in Tokyo.

He didn't have a job, and as far as he was aware, Hajime didn't have one either, the cost of train tickets or petrol when one of them finally learnt to drive would be too much to see each other every week.

He didn't want to hold Hajime back. Didn't want to be there constantly in the back of his mind, stopping him from doing things that teenagers do like kissing girls at parties or going out on mindless dates or sleeping around or whatever it is that uni kids were meant to do.

Tooru pressed his eyes together tightly in an attempt to keep the moisture in his eyes, though it only made the tears fall and he let out a slight sob.

It had seemed logical, had seemed like he was doing the _right_ thing. Hajime didn't need some depressed clingy boyfriend holding him back, tying him down.

If after they were finished with university they still felt the same then they could revisit it, right?

Tooru's face scrunched up as tears slipped down his cheeks, dampening his pillow but he couldn't find the will to move to get a tissue, or even attempt to stop.

He could get notes from class. It would be okay. Today was going to be a bad day, he'd known that as soon as he'd woken up and he'd pulled the covers up around him and tried to lose himself in them but was soon harshly awoken by the beeping of his alarm.

He'd known he couldn't go to class, it was just one of those days. He was having those more and more frequently lately. Everything was too much, in a few hours he could probably get up and put a jumper on, maybe go and make a coffee, but that would be about it for the day.

Tooru hated days like this, resented himself because it was just so pathetic, wasn't it? Falling apart for no reason? And then there would be days when he'd be fine and laughing and he loved those days.

At least he'd known, there'd been a fair few times he'd been in the middle of a lecture and suddenly he'd need to be away, he'd need to be anywhere but there and he couldn't. He'd had to stick it out, unable to concentrate and tears had irrationally welled in his eyes. Hadn't spilt over though, at least, unlike now of course.

Tooru held his hair tightly in his fist out of his eyes as tears kept falling and he kept sobbing and he missed Hajime so much, he didn't know anymore.

He just wished he could take it back, phone him up. Even then, all those lies he told, all of those awful things he said, Hajime wouldn't forgive him for that.

He'd broken his heart that day and he thought he'd been doing the _right_ thing.

Tooru clutched at his shirt, bunching it up, in an attempt to stop himself from clawing at his own skin and breathing wasn't coming easy to him as he made no attempt to stop the sobs that were escaping him.

His phone sounded and he grabbed it up from his bedside table, having a mental lapse for a moment and thinking it was Hajime, like it had always been; he'd always known if Tooru was acting off or if he was just having a bad day, he'd always been there for him.

That was exactly why Tooru had done this though. Hajime didn't need to deal with that, didn't need to deal with dropping everything to come and comfort Tooru.

He looked through tears and made out the name as 'Tetsu-chan'. Not Hajime then.

He chided himself internally for even thinking it might be.

Swallowing thickly and putting his phone down, letting it go to answerphone, he sat up, wiping his eyes with the hem of his shirt. He got up out of bed and shakily walked across the room to put his slippers on and grab up a jumper.

He then went into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

It was stupid of him to feel a little accomplished at doing such meaningless everyday tasks. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

He considered getting something to eat, but food sounded revolting at the minute, so he decided to go into the living room and curl up on the sofa.

The tv remote was half way across the room and Tooru had already exerted a lot of energy just stopping crying and getting up so he didn't move again, just wrapped his arms around his legs and let his eyes close.

He wasn't tired anymore, even if he did feel exhausted, he didn't think he could fall asleep again for at least a few hours so he sat, and he tried to go over some of the chemistry they had covered last lecture in his head.

It wasn't any use however, because he couldn't focus, couldn't get his stupid brain to understand the things he was trying to tell himself so he heaved himself up and traipsed back to the bedroom.

He put on some proper clothes and dragged a brush through his hair, thinking that he should probably wash it this evening and he grabbed up his keys before walking out and heading for the courts on campus because he _needed_ to do something.

There wasn't volleyball practice until much later this evening, but Tooru was itching to do something that would take his mind off of it, having a sudden burst of energy and he was thankful that the court was empty when he got there. 

He practiced serving for a while before putting a water bottle on the floor to practice setting, and pretended not to notice as tears slipped silently down his cheeks as for a moment he envisioned Hajime there to spike the ball but all that he heard was the sound of the ball hitting the water bottle and bounce on the floor a couple of times. 

Tooru sunk to the floor, eyes swimming and teeth gritted at his own ridiculous behaviour. 

He had done this to himself. This was his fault. He broke Hajime's heart, he didn't have the right to cry. 

But he'd also broken his own. 

Tooru hadn't really considered it to be a broken heart until now, hadn't thought you could break your own heart through your own stupidity. 

But apparently you could which was why he was on his knees in the middle of the empty court, tears streaming down his face. 

He stood up, harshly wiping his eyes and went to the back of the court again to practice spiking. 

Again, again, again, again. Again until he was completely fatigued and could feel a dull throb in his knee. 

He went to the other side, collecting up the balls and putting them back away again before stepping back into the cold air and making his way home. 

He pulled his clothes off as he entered his bedroom and fell into bed, his stomach aching for food and his knee a little more than uncomfortable, but he pulled the duvet over him and hugged his pillow to his chest, burying his face into it and he couldn't tell if he cried any more that afternoon. 

Perhaps he was all cried out by now, he thought, but when he swiped a thumb under his eye and it came back wet, he sighed and put his head back down, trying to get some more sleep, completely exhausted from practicing earlier. 

He should probably have showered, but that could wait. If he showered now, he would most likely be in there for hours anyway, so it was better to wait until he was feeling better. 

Tooru managed to fall asleep for a good few hours, and when he woke, quickly jumped in the shower because he didn't want to be late for practice and shoved a piece of bread down his throat before leaving the house. 

***

It was funny really, how everything could come crashing down so easily. Funny enough for a hollow laugh from chapped lips as salty tears slipped between the cracks.

Everything he'd worked for, gone, and it was all his fault. So, so many things he could have done differently, so, so many things he messed up.

It wasn't that he hadn't been here before, arms wrapped around knees, pulled close to his chest and rocking softly back and forth as he held himself and cried in the corner of the bathroom. Because he had. But there had always been a knock at the window or a bursting through the door when he didn't reply to Hajime's texts or something seemed off at school.

Hajime always knew.

Did he know now?

The moon was so offendingly bright through the window, and the stars, so, so luminous in the inky sky and for what? To light up the sky when the sun gives up?

He'd always known that he pushed himself too much, and Hajime had always been there to stop him, always been there to make him see when he was about to go over the edge because by himself he could never have seen that.

Hadn't.

With Hajime gone, pushed far, far away, he hadn't seen the cliff he was dancing on.

He should have known. Should have thought. But he didn't, so focused on moving on, so focused on being okay without him.

So focused on doing the only thing that had kept him going for half of his life and now?

Hindsight is useless, Hajime would always tell him, but all Tooru could do these days was look back.

Look back to when they were six years old and promising to be best friends for the rest of their lives.

Back to before he'd kissed Hajime that night when he was bathed in moonlight, so, so beautifully bright and before the stars had twinkled and Tooru had seen them reflected in Hajime's eyes.

Back to before he'd known what it was like to be held by the most wonderful person in the universe. To love, and be loved in return.

Back to before he'd pushed him away, told such horrible lies and watch Hajime break before his very eyes.

Look back to before he'd gone to the doctor, before they'd told him he'd gone too far this time, practiced that little bit too hard and he couldn't play anymore. Ever. Again.

Before he was a shell of the person he used to be.

The Grand King as that stupid little boy used to call him. What was he without volleyball?

What was he without Hajime?

Phone in hand, he dialled the number he'd deleted, but knew from memory and it rang, and it rang, and it rang.

'Tooru?' His voice was warm, like honey, and a little gravelly and Tooru exhaled.

'You're still my best friend, Hajime.' He said softly, his voice still thick from dried tears.

'Tooru. What's wrong? Are you okay?' Funny, really. How after months and months of not speaking, he still knew, still cared. Funny enough for a hollow laugh from chapped lips.

'Am I yours? Am I still your best friend?'

'Always.' He said after a moment's hesitation.

'I'm sorry I told you all of those lies.' Tooru said, his voice soft.

'What lies?'

'Everything I told you that day, I never wanted this, I never cheated on you.' He said. 'I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm so, so sorry. I love you Hajime.' He said gently. 'I always have and I always will and I'm so, so sorry.' His voice shook and he was having trouble keeping his eyes open.

'Tooru-'

'Do you love me still, Hajime? Tell me you do. Tell me you still love me.'

'I love you, of course I love you, Tooru. How could I not? We promised, forever, right?'

'Yeah, we did. Just making good on that.' Tooru said, his head feeling light.

'What does that mean? Tooru? Tooru! What is that supposed to mean?'

'No.' Tooru corrected himself with a short laugh. 'Until we die.' He said and he knew that was the moment that Hajime understood.

'Tooru, I swear to god, _please._ ' His voice was desperate, and Tooru looked down at the mess around him.

'It's okay. I love you. And you love me. We didn't break our promise, right?'

Hajime's voice came thick down the phone and Tooru could hear his tears.

'It's okay, Hajime. I'm okay. It doesn't hurt, not really. I just wanted to hear your voice again. Can you tell me a story? Talk to me? Don't leave me, please don't leave me.' He said, eyes closed and voice soft.

It took Hajime a moment before he could speak, and even then his voice violently shook Tooru could barely understand him.

'There was a day, once, and we were lying on your floor and you were looking up at the stars on your ceiling and I was reading your comic. And you asked me if we would be best friends forever. And I told you that it would be too much effort to get rid of you, because I didn't know how to tell you when we were that young that you were the most important person to me-'

Tooru couldn't separate the words anymore, they all flowed into a dull noise but it was soothing, he concentrated on the gravel and the honey and he didn't feel the pain so much anymore.

He tried to tell Hajime that he was the most important person, still is, but he couldn't muster up the strength to get his lips to move or his voice to work.

It was okay though, Hajime already knew.

**Author's Note:**

> TW- suicide
> 
>  
> 
> Don't think about Hajime right now on the other end of the phone. Don't think about Hajime having to tell Makki and Mattsun. Don't think about Hajime having to tell Tooru's mother. Don't think about Tooru's mother. Don't think about Kuroo coming home/coming to give Tooru those notes. 
> 
>  
> 
> I'd say I'm sorry but I'm not haha the final scene was actually the first scene I wrote, I wrote this all in a very messy order over the course of a month at school so I hope it at least makes sense
> 
> I would love to know your thoughts, no matter how much I'm sure you'd like to stab me, please refrain D:


End file.
